Fell in love with a Zulu
And off to a courtin’ they rode
When up from beside her
Crept up a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and Cheese in a Can
Then she got a zeast infection and the Zulu became interested in a cashier at Rally’s
This shit burns. And I’m not talking about ghost peppers mother fucker. I’m talking about this case of the clap that National Security Adminstration Director James Clapper just gave me after he blew me through the new glory hole recently installed at the Robert F. Kennedy Airport in Cleveland, Ohio.
I cannot stop staring at the head of my penis, engorged with a horrid mix of swelling to accompany the slow drip of pus from my cock, knowing that James Clapper is liable to infect someone with his curse through any glory hole in Pepsicoa. Because of this, I must speak out now. For while the time slips by, this putrid, life-sapping infection drills itself deeper and deeper into this fleshly reality of mine. I surely will seek medical advice if this vinegar catheter pushing an hourly dose of white vinegar into my urinal tract fails to halt Clapper’s clap.
Unfortunately, the detection systems of the NSA are unable to detect Clapper’s escapades throughout airport bathrooms in America and other countries that Clapper collects samples of stool from every member of the population.
But until then, I will bid you adieu with the new-found knowledge that James Clapper can and will give you the clap if you frequent airport or possibly even truck stop bathrooms where leftover body hair is collected to help feed the needy.
This missive ends now.
Former United States President Barack Obama looks back at his days in the White House with fondness, he says, while twirling a four-pronged tire iron on the barren tread tires of a 2017 Toyota Camry, the final model the Japaneese automaker produced before the Great Fall of 2018 changed the fate of Obama, and the former nation of America now referred to simply as Pepsicoa.
“You know, I feel real lucky to be here changing tires,” said an affable Obama, his head dripping with sweat under the hot Tennessee sun. “After everything simultaneously stopped working and the entirety of the world laughed in unison while our residents roamed the streets searching for any remnants of Monster Energy Drinks or Slim Jim packaged meat products they could find while crying out in the night for Pat Sajack to save their souls, I knew it was time to get out of politics,” added the former President, still flashing the golden smile that won him two terms in the former country’s Oval Office. “They can keep that bullshit.”
Indeed, after what historians now call the Great Awakening of 2017, when the final 40 percent of Americans who were in complete denial about reality suddenly joined the 60 percent who had given up because of the immovability of the 40 percent who seemed to express interest in nothing but energy drinks and meat jerky, the former nation of America fell, eventually to become the Pepsicoa we all know and love today.
But I know better. Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died for our sins.
Dale Earnhardt, Sr. was able to merge the gusty machismo inherent in danger sports with the sales of bottled fermented hops to create a fortune in the former country of America. While he sacrificed his fortune and fame during an auto racing crash, historians later found out through withheld video evidence that Earnhardt Sr. had made an agreement with the Presidential Administration of American President Bill Clinton, wherein’ Clinton would provide safe passage to the planet of eternal life, which scientists later found out to be the Planet Uscumsky, a planet two galaxies away from Earth that supports carbon based life forms. In exchange for his quick death and passage from the EBS (Eternal Ball of Suffering), Earnhardt Sr.’s death led millions of Americans to be shocked into perpetual abdication and rejection of anything political, preferring instead to wallow in the manufactured drama of Earnhardt’s passage. This exit from political consciousness of an entire sporting event fan base would allow American politicians to ignore crucial public problems before the Great Fall of 2018.
Dale Earnhardt, Sr. today is still alive and racing on the Planet Uskumsky, although on Planet Uscumsky, the closest thing to automobile transportation is a bladdermobile, fueled by power generated through an engine created from parts taken from the leftover bladder in the body of Actress Kate Upton who arrived on the planet in 2053, and donated her bladder for cloning into a car like device.
Former nation of America Politician Marco Rubio, now aged 94 (some Pepsicoans claim is he even much older) announced today to a room full of onlookers, that he was able to rise to prominence in politics simply because of one advantage: He was genetically made entirely of human nasal boogers.
“Here I stand before you Pepsicoans today,” said a frail, but determined Rubio, “to admit that all along, I’ve been made of boogers. Small round boogers, big flaky boogers, and even large booger/snot/blood amalgamations that humans sometimes pull from their nostrils that measure up to two-inches and are a preferred snack of pets.”
“That is what my whole body, my whole being is: boogers,” said Rubio before an audience gathered at the Pepsicoa National History museum located in the state of Virginia Slims. “My hair, my skin, my insides, my outsides: all just boogers collected and patted into place to create a human being. Once the various biological processes of this massive booger collection began to take place, a life form, which is me, began to come to form.”
While this certainly doesn’t fit our nation of how homo sapiens are created, we now know through evolutionary biology that gross stuff like boogers, piss, and shit eventually become life forms. Former Nation of America Senator Rubio is a living testament to evolutionary biology, in that he is a man made completely of boogers, who was able to rise to the top of the former country now known as Pepsicoa.
Oh, what a nose knows.
Mylie Cyrus Drinks Mayonaise
From the Fountain of Helmans
It’s The Place Where She Baths
Drinking, and Rubbing
Mayonnaise into her Skin
Her Quest to Smell Sandwichy
Began Deep Within’
A Father Named Billy Ray
With The Mind Of A Potato
Who lived in Appalachia
And once survived a tornado
But When Daughter Mylie
Drank The Gelatinous Stuff
Her Butt Cheeks Became Floppy
Like A Dampended Cheese Puff
Then she drank a bunch of Drano and died during a taping of Dr. Phil.
The cranium of former Nation of America talk show host Ed Schultz is floating in space, approaching the planet Saturn. After Cryogenic technology proved feasible in the year 2043, the head of Schultz was launched into space to help summon or find other carbon based life forms, which Schultz agreed upon after being granted eternal life in the form of his former skull, while dining with new found friend Jeremy Bentham.
While the re-animated skull of Schultz is unable to participate in full conversational diatribes, he is able to incessantly utter cries such as “This is a Fight for the Working Class”, and “I have the facts on my side and I don’t back down.” Scientists for the Pepsicoa Interplanetary Space Shuttle (PISS) program said they look for the Cryogenic skull of Schultz to at the very least, attract interest from foreign planets who might want to invest in franchises of a new line of drive-through stores that sell only fireworks and tobacco products to children mired in agricultural pursuits, and possibly sects of isolated Amish.
“When we discovered that the Amish had arrived on Earth after being persecuted on their former planet for persecution, we decided, what the hell. What is the worse thing that a floating cryogenic-ally preserved but operational skull of Ed Schultz do?
If and when Schultz is able to discover intelligent life, he will attempt to convince said life form of the viability of Earth and the Nation of Pepsico by showing them homemade movies from the childhood of actor Kelsey Grammer, who was convicted of having sex with a kitten before committing suicide by jumping into a 200-foot deep pit of molten lava in 2023.
“We have found the Lost Tomb of Urkel,” announced an elated Robert Brodudeski before an excited crowd of anthropology students who were also brushing up on their pressure cooking skills at the school’s first ever anthropology/restaurant management program. “This is a huge discovery for us, as we can begin to discover the roots of how the former nation of America began unraveling at the seams with the introduction of sitcoms and processed foods towards the beginning of this former nation’s end,” added Brodudeski.
Lost amidst the wreckage of the underwater city of Los Angeles was the secret underground laid of Steve Urkel, who played the character of a nerd on television in the former country.
“We will show you, through a series of documents found still preserved in the underwater lair of Steve Urkel, that will shake our ideas of just how Urkel was highly involved in the coupe that overthrew the state of K-Mart in 2021, which eventually led to the Federal Republic of Pepsico that we have today.
“When Urkel broke the bond of K-mart, what he was really revealed was that America no longer needed the rule of department store chains for its internal and external policies. It could depend solely on the rule of a soft drink company. That was a big turning point in the founding of Pepsicoa,” added Brodudeski.
It’s just not.
Deal with it.
Welcome to the news service of Pepsicoa, the nation formed after the Great Fall of 2018, previously known as The United States, but now officially known as The Federated Republic of Pepsicoa.